My last post

was over a month ago. I guess I don't update like I used to. It might be the fact that I have another blog that I update for work and that there is another one in the works (launching soon). It might be that I've been particularly busy at the Mid-American Camping Conference with 190 other camping professionals from the Midwest. It might be that my computer has been slowing down consistently and can no longer hold a charge (very inconvenient to try and use).

It might be that the pull to post here is diminishing for two reasons: broad/vague readership and lack of personal interest in the content.

This site has been running for 7 or 8 years. Over time, the people I originally joined with dropped out and were replaced by the potential for literally anyone to read my page. Maybe it was a mistake to list it on Facebook? In any case, I have no way of knowing who visits and have therefore been censored. Without being anonymous, I can't put up work complaints, relationship struggles, or anything too personal. It would be foolish.

Further, mostly because of the first reason, I rarely care to put up my deepest insights anymore. It was different in the early days where I didn't much care who heard my voice, but I've matured over time and have found that words (especially written) can be unintentionally offensive or used against the speaker. The only thing that remains to write about seems to be a dry summary of my life events and the occasional dream.

I like writing. I'll keep it going on the other blog(s), but I doubt here will continue to receive content worth reading. If I start another personal blog, I'm going to keep it anonymous or at least restrict the potential readers to a narrow few.

Improvise. Adapt. Survive.

Dream 121811

Note: I haven't had this level of detail or clarity in some time. Even the story was completely in order, which tends to be rare. It needed very little editing. Even with how much I wrote, I still feel like I left out about half the content. I woke up at 5am and couldn't fall back asleep for quite awhile after I decided to write it down.

Back in Hillsdale, I was once led through some underground tunnels and past a great waterfall in the depths of the earth. We emerged in a clean, mall-like area where there was an old-fashioned arcade and cinema. There was a railroad track and mine cars that took you in. It was normally a secret for fraternities and sororities, but we GDI's found our way.

I decided to seek out the fabled place again, but it had been so long and I wasn't sure i knew the way. I asked around for the entrance, but the students swore there was no such thing. There were viscious animals (monsters) that attacked people if they ventured into tunnnels or gulleys or any other place below the surface.

That didn't stop me. I found one hardy friend who was willling to venture in and we took to a dried up river bed. True to the warnings, there were monstrous creatures that attacked us. It took all we had to overcome antennaed freaks with lobster claws and sharp fangs. Eventually, we found a trickling drop of water where I thought perhaps a mighty waterfall had once been. Nearby was some mine cars all crashed into a heap and blocking a tunnel that led further into the ground. I decided to end the venture since there was likely no way to remove such an obstacle. It seemed any great experience I had had was over and couldn't be had again.

A headmaster type person happened by and I begain to explain what we were doing. I said that I was even beginning to doubt that I had really experienced such a wondrous place and he listened with sympathy. I and my companion began to walk away but then realized that we were heading in the wrong direction. We turned and started past the blocked tunnel and found the hadmaster had cleared it single-handedly. We followed it down with unbelief as we entered onto a blue carpeted arcade. The place was air conditioned and extremely clean. There were old fashioned machines everywhere and strange video games that had never been mass produced. An old gypsy machine told our fortunes (we didn't listen since we were in such a hurry) and we entered a clear glass door where there was a hand wrestling machine that let you try to impress fantasy women (large, chunky women/men for some reason). I couldn't understand the physics of it so I gave up. I was entertained by life-like gummy bears and costumed attractions that walked around. They seemed happy on the outside, but occasionally one would try to communicate something important. I couldn't understand the words, but I understood the urgency. It made me feel uneasy.

We could feel ourselves getting younger with each passing moment. There was a cinema where we sat to watch films and eat popcorn and candy. We ran around marvelling at each attraction. Then we heard that the overlord was returning to the arcade and we wouldn't be able to exit if they returned while we were still there. We began to leave as quickly as we had arrived, but our legs were shorter and stubbier. The places magic was turning us to giant gummy bears like the walking attractions in the arcade! It was a rather gruesome trick and we greatly feared that we would be trapped there deep in the earth for eternity like the others. We fought each other. I blamed him for this fool's errand and he did the same. There emerged a sudden and intense hatred between us. We realized that we had been in a sort of trance and had spent 3 weeks in the underground arcade rather than the couple of hours it had felt like.

We passed toward the upper echelon on our way out when things began to change colors and get very psychadelic. I was dizzy and could barely walk forward. While I was dizzy and threatening to fall, my companion came up behind me and gave me a final push to keep me from a terrible fate. We were close the to initial path that led in when the queen of ths place returned and beckoned us to go back to work. Her words were nearly irresistable as we felt the magc she held on us. However we were far enough away that we were able to resist and travel the old trail. A sense of time came back to me and I realized that it had been not only weeks but also months and even years. I noticed my companion alongside me and began to remember who it was and how I had treated him during our falling out. It was much like “Inception” where the experience was so long ago that the memory was a wisp. I told him I remembered him as someone who had helped me out a great deal when it counted the most. We reconciled.

Was the place a dream or a nightmare? When I woke up, I couldn't decide.

Two of my biggest fears

I'm not afraid of much. I wouldn't consider myself someone who suffers from the normal phobias (snakes, spiders, dark woods, etc.), but this last dream combined two of my fears into one frightful dream. It contained social rejection/embarrassment and missing out, which I would argue as being incidental rejection. It was an uncomfortable night to say the least.

Dream 121011

I'm at Hillsdale for a classy event. Everyone is dressed to the nines. I walk into the location for the event and realize that I've gotten there a bit too early. The event has actually started, but there are only a handful of people there. I've come by myself so I have to sit with a couple of people that I barely know. I greet them and try to shrug off the awkwardness, but I soon move to the bar where I order a long island after nervously deciding that a drink would help me relax.

When I return to my table, I just can't think of anything to say and instead sip my long island while they also are silent. I suspect they are slightly annoyed that I joined their group. One by one, they make excuses and head out the door until I'm left by myself.

I suddenly realize that I'm dressed inappropriately. The only dressy part of me is the black coat I'm wearing that is over a t-shirt and jeans. My beat up tennis shoes aren't doing anything for me either. I try to casually exit in order to go change and I'm hopeful that when I come back, the party will be in full swing and no one will have even noticed my social faux pas.

When I get to my house, I look frantically for the rest of my dress clothes. I somehow know that the party got going as soon as I left and that I'm missing out. I wake up as I fumble with a tie that isn't mine.

Achievement Unlocked

Based on a suggestion, I'm publicly posting my physical goals for the added motivation to accomplish them. I created the goals as a holding place for other life goals because physical health seems superficial to the big picture (though not unimportant). The idea is to get myself in the goal mindset while I figure out what else I want to accomplish with my life.

I set them up as smaller achievements to act as milestones with an ultimate goal at the end. I find setting anything more detailed as unnecessary since I'm pretty sure I understand what I have to do to accomplish each achievement. I also added a date for the goal to be completed by.

Bench Press

1. Bench my weight (January 2)
2. Rep my weight 10x (March 5)
3. Rep my weight 20x (May 7)

Pull ups

1. 10 (January 2)
2. 15 (March 5)
3. 20 (May 7)

Short-distance

1. Run 1 mile in 7 minutes (February 6)
2. 6.5 minutes (March 5)
3. 6 minutes (April 2)

Long-distance

1. Run 4 miles straight (January 2)
2. Run 5 miles straight (February 6)
3. Complete a 10k (April 2)

Competition

1. Official 5k time under 25 minutes (March 5)
2. Run in an official 10k (May 7)

As of right now, the purpose for this is mostly ambiguous. While I expect several beneficial side effects, I imagine there will be times where the current reasoning is insubstantial for the amount of effort involved. I need to list out all the benefits and maybe even set some rewards for achieving some milestones.

After all, what mouse navigates a cheese-less maze?

Memory Lane

Can you follow my thought pattern? This post turned into a bunch of things I didn't intend.

One of my tasks for this Thanksgiving weekend was clearing out a bunch of my stuff I had left in my parent's house for storage. After sorting through maybe 70 pounds of memorabilia, I'm left feeling sentimental. 

It was fun to see all these reminders of how I was built and formed through the years. Isle Royale was in many ways the genesis of my faith and became the filter through which I saw the rest of the world (aided by HSLT, Acquire the Fire, and a small, devoted group of friends). Competing in football built in me a measure of confidence and character that I find invaluable today. Through Sherman Lake, I adopted a way of life focused on loving the people around me.

I notice now that my major life-changing memories happened after I became a teenager. I'm sure my life was changed prior to middle school, but I'm assuming it was largely unconscious so I've got to give a never-to-be-heard shout-out to all the positive role models I ran into before I realized that they were making an impact on my personality. I'm happy with their work and subsequent result.

Admittedly, I've developed numerous bad habits over the years. Since I built good habits after meeting good people, I'm sure my bad habits came from meeting bad people (though don't mistake that the adoption of those values is entirely my fault). My character flaws seem even more glaring these past days (esp. my short-temper, lazy demeanor, and my wonderful capacity to waste time) and have become so annoying to myself that it's time to change. All this from going through a box of old newspaper clippings, pictures, and handwritten notebooks.

The most motivating motif of the old bits of me is the constant list of goals I had. I found a decade's worth of lists of things I wanted to accomplish in a set period of time. The goals I set were usually a requirement of football and included goals for lifting, GPA, and league records. They were easier to set because progress was measurable and victory was black and white. For instance, if I worked at the pace set for me by coaches, I could consistently gain strength and speed on a weekly basis. The numbers increased sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly, but they always increased.

I think I've whined before about how setting goals today is hard since the results aren't easily measured. I can set a goal for getting a promotion or raise at work, but progress toward that goal is harder to see since most of what I accomplish is subjective to my coworkers and bosses. I wonder if I set goals for the physical aspect of my life, would that translate into the right attitude for success at work? I think so. It worked with football after all. I would work hard at football and the state of mind would carry over to working at academia. If I still set goals and work hard at the physical side of my life, I think that attitude will become universal to the rest of my endeavors. 

Anyway, one of the other problems I'm at currently is the complete contentment I feel with my place in life. Yes, that's a problem. Most of my wildest ambitions have been accomplished: do great in football, graduate college, go skydiving, run a camp. Check, check, check, check. It's high-time to evaluate my life and pick some new goals with ambitions that fit my abilities.

In the meantime, I'll set up some goals for physical achievement and see what happens.